Irregular

"I'm going to make this website and write so much, it's gonna be crazy!"

Okay, Aditi. Sure. 

I feel like I keep oscillating between having zero shame about not writing to having too much guilt about not writing. Sadly, none of that has magically manifested into actual writing. An absolute shame, if you ask me. 

Nonetheless, I should be writing more so here is attempt number god-knows-what. A lot has happened, as is the nature of things and time, since I last wrote anything. I'm done with college and my dissertation. I'm also applying to places for jobs now, and wow is it crazy out here. I've also realised how difficult it is to constantly keep yourself motivated and productive with no academic or work pressure (not that I was super productive with college at any point of time, but it was something for sure). 

I've started baking a lot of things and working out a lot more. And as talented as I am in both of those things, it is excessively counterproductive. Would I continue doing exactly this? Absolutely. 

There is, however, something very good that has been happening in the middle of all the routine. My anxiety seems to be going away bit by bit. Of course there is some retaliation as it leaves, but that's just how sore losers are. No biggie. With that, I think my general life and mental health (obviously) have gotten much better. About damn time.  

I've started realising that there are so many things I need to do. And not all of that is work, definitely. I want to complete the hundreds of series I've saved to watch later, the paintings I've left in the middle, the books I've purchased over the years but never started (they are honestly giving me the stink eye by this point), write more, post on Instagram more, and maybe even learn a new language. The realisation hits me once a day and there's a split second panic going "shit, this is too much, I don't have the time" while I tell myself -in the same breath- that I have all the time in the world now.

The whole idea of me being the sole person responsible for my schedule now is happening for the first time. There was always something else like school, coaching, college or work. Now it's just me. I can't say I've achieved perfection. I'm far from it. But it sure is interesting to judge my day from the outside once in a while and look at everything I've done. And then to realise hey, I've done well.

I hate making schedules. But I'm moderately good at following through so maybe I need to stop being a baby about it. And for that, I decided to publicly write out some goals up there. So to anyone reading this, feel free to quiz me on how much progress I've made whatever weeks from now, and I hope I have a high horse I can climb onto and answer.